Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize