pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Randomize
