Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
