my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He uses pillows to masturbate.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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