I puked a lego.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
