we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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