In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
