watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
