Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
