Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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