walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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