If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
