So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
