haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
