Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you made out with another girl for some wings
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
