Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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