my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
