You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
