Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
