Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
