Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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