My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
