whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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