OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
