she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
