every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
