I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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