so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize