you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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