Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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