I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
