you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
