did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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