i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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