last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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