Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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