I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
