I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
