I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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