We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I accidentally burped into my bong.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
