A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
