DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
