I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
