I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
