You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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