I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
