Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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