that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
