I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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