so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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