I accidentally burped into my bong.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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