I wanna bring you to show and tell
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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