Tell her she can't have a vagina
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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