I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
